happiness

word play: 9: mine

this number mind doodle will be a little different than the others. call it un-copywriting. i have no beef with the company, it just flirted with my imagination and funny bone and happens to be nine letters long. actually it has 10. (i missed the double l as the mind doodle was forming so the extra l is mine and lovely in all its' imaginary rule-breaking glory.) it is a brand which also sets it apart, a word that is filled to the brim with stories.

maybelline

"make believe" or "maybe lying"

which is what make-up is in many ways, a mask we choose to wear.

the commercial that spurred this line of thought was about "fitt me" foundation and in my dreamy state it seemed like they were saying "pick me" which reminded me of a teenage girl aching to be noticed by the Trip Fontaine du jour.

all the rhetoric about "natural" and "letting the real you shine through" just seemed comical to me.

word play: 8: infinity

uni.verse
goodness.grateful.wellness.
fruitful.
integrity.
complete.

word play :7: samurai

7
estelle.
inspire
firefly
collect.moments
victory.justice.harmony.liberty.
herself
letters.pattern.doodles.
silence.

word play: 6

6
deluxe!
poetry.
secret.shadow.lovely
laughs
belong..
humble.


off.ice
i have always found offices alittle off and icy myself.

word play: 5: spare coins

maybe we should start a phive movement so that it matches number/letter-wise.

5
whole.heart.earth.globe.brain.human
great.grace.
march
black.white
a.live.death
share

word.play: four is a four letter word

FOUR
four letter words get a bad rap but really they are one of the few numbers that mean what they say number/letter-wise. sure there are plenty of *cuss* words but there are many beautiful, profound ones too. i think what i love most about this silly exercise is the way it has made me take a look at things long taken for granted.

{sets}
life.live.dead
work.play
love.fate.soul.mate.
wish.hope.here.know.wise
soap.dirt
leaf.tree
rain.snow.hail.wind
idea.mind
bird.song.jazz
rare.true.real

FORMULAS FOR LIFE
eyes + ears: talk

maybe we need to do twice the looking and listening vs. talking.

he.ro.her.o.hero.
everyone can be a hero.

more word play: letters (& words) by numbers

my mind has been spinning on a new tangent of late, collecting words by the number of letters they contain.

ONE
a.i

TWO
we.us.am.me.be.

THREE
sun.sky.you
ago.ego
tea.eat.ate.
zen

t

T is for...
today!
travel.telescope.team.talent.truth.trust.tobogan.tomato.tea.

happy valentne's day.

r

R is for...
ruby.raspberry.radical.race.rest.revoultion.renew.rollercoaster.round.rascal.

a

A is for...
able, abbreviation (a long word about shortning)
acupuncture
adapt
aesthetic
affect
again,ago
aha!
air
adjust
awkward
alias.allow
amen
announce
aloha
apple
acquaintance
arrange.art.
assist
atlas
aunt, author
advantage
away.awhile
ax
azygos

word play: h.e.a.r.t.

i wish someone would invent thought to blog technology. i have been counting down the days to valentine's day with a silly poetry game -- collecting my favourite words to spell the word HEART.

H is for...
heart
he.art
hear.t
heal. home. hope.here.happenstance.holiday.happy.howl.hello.hi.jinx.hoopla.hogwash.hootnany.hush.have.hold.harmony.heaven.
E is for....
early.event.earnest.eager.elegant.elephant.energy.eat.element.evolution.essential.ear.eye.eon.everyone.evidence.east.elaborate.elevator.emu.eek!

manifesto

dn in.spired and sent me this gem.

a reminder of life's truths. what do you love?

simple bliss

good find: perfectly Imperfect

delving into the perfection of imperfection these days.

in.spire: a window to the future

2 Dreams

Here are descriptions of two dreams that linger into waking life....comments welcome.Both have an artistic bent so at the very least, they may entertain.

Hearts within hearts, searching for different colours and textures
I was making a collage of sorts. The main theme was hearts within hearts. Cherry red escaped me. There was a tiny black heart and I was searching for the right fabric to layer over it...lace or polka dots to the touch -almost like brraille, maybe ribbons.

Huge Turqoise Garage + Vintage Cruiser
I wanted to capture this one on film. Technicolour. Vivid.
It was a huge garage, almost like a barn. the wood was painted a lovely shade of blue-green. A retro car was leaving out the huge door. Everything was happening in slow motion. When I came back later, the light had changed, the garage was grey.

good read: Sweetness & Light

One of my favourite rituals of late is reading this book with dn.

dream: frozen waterfall

Apologies for the delay in posts, I have been distracted with another project. Need your analysis on a recent dream, as it was strange. i dreamed I was doing these kind of slides, to music down a frozen waterfall with my sister in the back yard of my parent's house. The different routes were surprizingly slow, easy and fun, beautiful even. Controlled.

good find: The Fall

good find: advanced style

i think this web site reminded me of my own personal style icon. she was an artist who recognized art everywhere. she was fiercely independent and very private. she reinvented herself many times and never let the goons have the last word. she always held her head high.

lovely september

september can be the nicest one, weather-wise. i always love the back to school feel in the air. today i am bursting at the seams with hope and happiness because i am booked for a promising new treatment. Fingers crossed.

dream: sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

I had to capture this one because the dream book says that it is a symbol of good luck and prosperity. Whohoo! The man who gave me the cigar was a character himself; a Native witch doctor who thought cigar smoking would enhance my creative writing. I remember wearing another fabulous chinese silk robe and a pink one piece swim suit. Love the wardrobe choices in my dream life.

dream: the understudy

once again, the patterns drawn in my dreams have lingered in my waking life. in this dream i was alternating between a role as an understudy in a play and rehearsing in a dance troop. i remember wearing a lush silk chinese robe and having to ad-lib in both venues. all the characters were women from different chapters of my life. strange.

dream: vintage jewellery

I am not typically a girly girl who shops with pals. I think that is what makes this dream stand out. I was with a dear friend in a fabulous vintage jewellery shop. She was wearing a necklace made of real over-sized roses. I seemed to be designing on the fly, decided it was all about finding a pattern that fit my scale...not over-sized but not too intricate or boring. My mind seemed to love designing different necklaces made of pearls, silver, and special stones. I was walking too and thought to myself -- it is amazing that I am not tired or falling, who-hoo! a good omen.

dream: independence day special

i was applying to school in nyc, independent studies. i was making it up along the way, of course. course work included leadership, women's studies, a study of great authors with a special case study in puzzle design. curved pieces that could become art even when the puzzle wasn't solved yet.

good find: quote

Even impossible spells I M POSSIBLE
By Pierre ELIAS

lost & found again: fortune leaf

we found an old journal of mine with tales from rome and italy from when I visited dN in school years ago. there was a leaf with the word fortune on it from the cave of the sybil. it in.spired a poem for my sweetheart's b-day. will post it for the record soon.

"and the fortune teller whispered "This leaf holds many wishes...

she will lead you to bliss, in every shade you can imagine."

good flick: splice

trippy. Sarah Polley and Adrien Brody take us on a deluxe but twisted modern day Frankenstein tale that pushes the boundaries of almost every taboo. the only part that falls flat is their chemistry. still worth a watch.

good flick: exit through the gift shop

A documentary that may or may not be true (but delightful either way) about the barely legal world of street art and the characters that rise to the surface.

good find: quote

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing."
— Muhammad Ali

stolen: irises

under the cover of darkness, a thief stole past the gate and clipped our iris blooms. strange but true. maybe they thought we wouldn't notice as our yard has a colouring outside the lines quality to it which I love but defies convention. writing its' own script. imagine they could steal our dreams too?

i am in your pocket

imagine a lucky stone or charm that you carry with you everywhere you go, you reach down to touch it for comfort, reassurance, an extra bit of luck and more. an oasis of goodness. understanding. acceptance. strength. calm. in.spire. belief in you that cannot be shaken.

doppelganger

strange but true. last friday I got mail from the HR person at an agency I have had contact with but never worked with -- thanking me for accepting their offer and making start date arrangements. The mail even started with my name in the greeting. Only trouble was that it must have been my doppelganger, because until that moment I had not been aware of a job offer and had no start date plans. bizarro. It's like I saw a window into a parallel universe for just a moment. maybe it was just a mercury retrograde hiccup.

write your own script

write your own script is my way of saying do your own thing. it applies to so much. It feels like the world has this prescription for how life should be lived and it is nailed down to specifics, if you look closely. appreciate your mother now. we even have a script for how motherhood, marriages, friendship and more should be realized. christmas works like this. feel this. do that. everyone is paying attention to this NOW so get on board. all of that just feels like noise. it feels so liberating to write your own script, to live at your own pace and make your own path as you go.

in.bloom

photo courtesy of ruby

beauty is everywhere at the moment. leaves are filling in winter's skeletons. tulips sing spring alive. gathering my own strength too, inspired by ancient divine.

good find: buke & gass

defies type, and oh so good. deluxe noise. they rock.

birds with a unique soundtrack

dN spotted some birds sneaking into our attic from a crack outside. he decided to leave an old ghetto blaster on up there to see if the music and chatter scares them away. we will see if this does the trick. we have new musical guests i suppose.

my life as frenchie

it's no secret I have not been a fan of fakebook. i have held out on the hype for what feels like forever. but, recently i needed an account for a project at work. the only way, in my mind, was to go undercover. i am now estelle sleuth (a.k.a frenchie). if you read the blog you are in the circle so if you want to share photos of your kids and such i will be your friend. kids seem immune to the fakebook rules somehow, i applaud those who can live out loud so bravely. really. show me i am a fool for missing out. i may invent a life for frenchie as a creative project, seems fitting for fakebook. don't hate me please, this is just my way of making peace with things. hopefully you can see the funny here.

good find: cold souls

is your soul weighing you down? imagine a world where you could extract and store a troubled soul or even try on the soul of a russian poet. what does your soul look and feel like? this flick is worth a watch.

fire at daybreak

no foolin' this morning we awoke to sirens and smoke. not in house thankfully but across the alleyway. one street over, a small apartment building went up in smoke. the real smoke monster. a reminder that life is a gift.

dreams: recycled road signs + rulers

maybe recording my dreams is changing me. i have a good theory about this one, but of course my sisters' views are always welcome. i dreamed I made an art project out of converting old road signs into bookends. i cut the danger sign down to size to prop up my books. i think this is warning me to take care of myself as I work on this fun but deadline driven writing project I have on at the moment. the next dream was about cleaning up a desk. I kept finding rulers of all shapes and sizes, hidden among the pages and clutter. mundane I suppose but telling I think. need to ponder on that one a bit. ideas welcome.

earth hour

how did you spend earth hour this weekend? we spent the hour reading this book by candlelight. lovely. no opera from the muse but a virtual vacation and I don't even drink wine! she is a great writer.

live in the land of oars

sometimes you are your own best guru.

i rediscovered this wisdom and find it is on my mind a lot. god grant me the strength to change the things I can. the courage to accept the things I can not change and the wisdom to know the difference. friday was a low but this reminder helped to turn things right again.

dreams: birds + apples

i'm back. so many posts to catch up on. last night i had a dream that this predator bird (black) was about to eat this tiny robin. the robin almost accepted her fate and at the last second, when she was in his mouth, she used her beak to attack the predator bird in the eyes, and she was free. awhile ago, i had a dream that eldest sisters (me) weren't allowed to eat apples. so many "sisters" rolled apples across a field secretly to me. it was all about secretly getting me the apples i needed. the sisterhood of the travelling apples. both dreams seemed like good signs. what do you think?

good find: bridget

the last two episodes of tapestry have inspired me lately. celtic rituals are fascinating. poetic. here's to celebrating the Irish mind, holding two thinks at the same time. heal, baby heal.

good find: dreams revealed

a friend sent this and of course i'm addicted. dreams, they do make us wonder.

good find: local: spacing

s p a c i n g. now online.

dream: hats + lockers

had a dream i was back in the land of highschool lockers, i had two of them and two hats. left an unflattering photo of myself with magnets in some boy's locker. silly!

good find: around the world 1930s style

my favourite cyclist in.spired this trip around the world.

white tiger

this is the year, to prowl, to bravely wear your stripes on your sleeve, to reinvent and re-build. yes.we.can.

s.w.a.k.

sealed with a kiss. a dear friend sent inspiration by post and it arrived today. how deluxe! we used to send marathon pen pal letters to each other as teens and we always sealed the envelop that way. pen pals. with instant messager, fakebook and twitter pen pals probably don't exist anymore. (she laments ironically on her blog) charm had a moment in s.w.a.k.

art.i.choke

when you break it up that way, it is no wonder we aren't fans of the vegetable.

in.spire: connect the dots

stay foolish. stay hungry.

dream: curls

dreamed of curling my hair last night. the dream book fortells romance. oh la la!

dreams: water, glass pyramid + big church

on new year's eve, i dreamed about drinking many glasses of water. ( i wasn't dehyrated from alcohol.) suppposedly, it is a sign of good luck. a few nights ago i dreamed i was in university again and one of the dorm rooms had this glass pyramid in the corner, sort of a crystal with these uneven opaque shards of glass. i remember 3 creating the pyramid and it was irresistible, i had to touch it. of, course i thought, makes perfect sense. lastly, i had a dream about this larger than life adobe church. it was terra cotta and on a hill in the back yard. i never went inside.

what do you make of all these symbols?

good find: inHarmony

thanks to my latest follower, I have recently discovered this site. guilty pleasure, but it feels right.

good find: a mixed tape for the universe

what's been inspiring you this year? radio lab is among my new favourite sources of brain candy. there's an old episode about space that got me thinking. if i was going to send a space capsule into the great beyond, here's what I'd include:

the chime of a tibetan singing bowl
a child's laugh
good soulful gospel music
an e.e. cummings poem
i have a dream speech by martin luther


what would your mixed tape sound like?

time

we play this game in the morning, where we take turns guessing the time. monday i guessed 8:24 and i was exactly right. i guess, for a moment i had the time. or maybe, it had me.

happiness

happy new year! ruby reminded me yesterday of this pearl of wisdom:

happiness is the journey.

it doesn't have to be the destination, something we are always striving for but never arriving at. perfectly imperfect. gratitude.

108

108 is a special number. this is my 108th post this year. the universe speaks and the stars are aligning for the new year. here's to inventing the script as we go and breaking all the rules along the way.

yes.we.can

108

dream: lipstick

had a dream i was behind the scenes as a friend was getting ready to walk down the aisle. we were putting on red lipstick and she told me I had to blot alittle. looked it up in the dream book and it predicts that it means overcoming an obstacle. there are many obstacles to conquer but I will take all and any good predictions! happy holidays y'all!

wish it. dream it. do it.

a wise woman had this painted on her wall. words to live by.

laughter...

is the fingerprint of the soul.

good find: sunday's word of the day

LUX
Today marks the feast day in the Western calendar of St. Lucy (or Lucia), whose name shares a root with the Latin word for light, lux. Modern English and other languages use the word for the SI unit of illumination, a much more techie way of talking about the power of light than the older footcandle.

of course i love luxe as a short form for luxury or deluxe.
ˆ

dream: snow

dreamed i was trudging thru deep snow, more like falling but the last thing i saw was a clear footprint, the rest were just holes from falling into the snow. the dream book says this means success after sustained determined effort on a project. i hope, i hope!

clown coming to town

strange but true. an old classmate from film school wrote me to say he'll be in Toronto for six weeks attending a clown workshop. will be great to reconnect and get the story. my mind is alive with creative possibilities. we will see what happens. he needs a place to stay if anyone is in the city and knows of leads. all are welcome.

and then the snow came

and the rain, and the hail, and the wicked winds. winter officially arrived today. the rooftops dusted with sugar, bundle up folks. the element don't lie.

shattered glass

had a flash of a glass breaking into thin air. the sound was crystal clear and short lived. looked it up in the dream book and it means change is coming.

lost song

went to a two year old's birthday party on friday and was charmed by her and her sister, age 6. first it was the balloons. big sis collecting them like blooms in a bouquet. then it was the random outburst of "i lost a song." i think she meant forgot but it captured my imagination. of course, I yelled back "Look under the couch!"

what does a lost song look like?

I imagined a black ball of typed text, when you kick it random lyrics play. it is a magnet for dust bunnies.

i keep having flashes of the lost song, so don't be surprised if this image continues. lately inspiration is everywhere.

bones

the trees have become bones. the gristle of gold gone. the outlines are beautiful, blueprints for the spring.

the black tiger

another one for the dream files. at first it was just a flash, a symbol. last night there was movement. it was a black tiger with stripes of muted black and dark rich ebony. his eyes were pale and mesmerizing, determined. sometimes they were green, sometimes a shade close to indigo. art.in.progress. the movement was all about the swagger, the grace of the prowl.

art.in.progress: dancing squares of light

our bedroom is a light exhibit. we have a window and a set of double doors that house translucent plastic for privacy. a temporary measure. the top 10% is open to the sky. depending on the hour, the sun (and moon) casts tattoos of different sizes of squares on alternating walls. the walls are dreamy blue. simple beauty.

lucky 13

howl at the moon, it's friday the 13th.

another dream about a library

there were these piles of vintage books of poetry not stacked on the shelf vertically but horizontally like you would see on a coffee table. for some reason I knew the library was phasing these books out. I could not see why as they possessed charms of French paper products. modern books can never match this. except maybe paris out of hand. i think it means i should get back to my story and write more poetry.

smokin'

how does one complete the most deluxe fall day? with smokehouse chicken and ice cream, that's how. the day was gorgeous. fall leaves in their full rich colour, warm sun that felt like August, porch chatter with all the neighbourly charms. great company. as the sun set, dinner was on my mind. if you are a meat eater and live in toronto, you must try this place. even the sides were sublime. (no mayo potato salad and green beans). we had to share the last chicken because they were sold out but every last bite was worth it. smokey freshness, bbq heaven. in a word: incredible.

thank.you

for the moral support, that arrived in my inbox, comments on the blog and in person visits. you guys are helping me through this quest and I am so grateful. i am lucky to have your love and encouragement. i know that all the coaches will make the difference. thanks for believing. appreciated.

coins + snow forts

i have been meaning to capture these memorable dreams for awhile. they felt like they were worth saving, a snapshot of my state in this moment. ideas welcome.

coins
dreamt i was going to a benefit and was stalled at the door trying to get the admission fee together. there were these beautiful coins, smaler than a penny but the colour of a dime. one had an ornate 7 on it. very dainty and magical. i lost track of the task at hand and was consumed by the artistic merit of these coins. i even wondered whether the Italian lire still existed, these were coins worthy of the italians.

snow fort
i was an adult but a friend called on me to play. we went outside and were gleeful at the site of this open air igloo. no top but blocks of snow and deluxe snow couches.

ass backwards

today was a tough day after a few weeks of languish. bad habits and short cuts galore. tomorrow is a new day. kick it into high gear. moral support welcome. most days I put on a brave face. the only way to get the happy ending i want is to stop the damn self pity party and become the heroine I know is required and write the story myself. no one said it was going to be easy. seize life, go after the goods. you.can.do.it.

food for thought

listen to the Oct 19 podcast of the next chapter. this ted talk also fed the fire this morning.

opera by candlelight

the power went out on our street tonight. darkness enveloped the house and the entire street. made the gusty winds rustling in the trees seem spookier. dN lit some bee-z wax candles and sure enough, the muse, the opera singer on the other side of the wall, decided to take the darkness as an opportunity to practice. the faint smell of honey was a nice touch...the lights came back on and the spell was broken.

life is but a dream

i have had many vivid dreams lately, here are the highlights. all insights welcome.

the green library
i dreamed dN and I were applying to OCAD and we snuck into their library prior to sending our application. the library and all the books were painted green. there was a collection of students there clipping stuff from various books for their applications. it was a tough crowd, they were convinced we wouldn't get in. i was going to make a choose your own adventure collage type book as my entry. the deadline was 7pm on friday.

picking perfect vegetables
i was at a deluxe grocery store and the whole dream was about selecting the perfect, healthiest produce. garlic, mint, mushrooms, stuff to make lots of salads and stirfrys. i didn't sample any of the fare but couldn't believe my luck to find such good stuff.

the township of olive
i was poring over these maps/architectural plans of this utopian village. sort of cottage country meets italian hill towns. beautiful typography. the plans showed shops to buy figs, bread, and of course olives. julia roberts made a cameo. she was telling me how olive was the type of place she liked to ride her bicycle around and watch sunsets from her dock.

obama makes a cameo
obama and i were trying to get bookclubs started in schools for all subjects. the idea was to start interesting conversations early and expand the topics covered in the curriculum. i was tutoring some of the kids on their recycling projects.

special forces

this post is for a special soul who has inspired me and continues to coach from the sidelines like no other. her son Mark (26) Corporal of the USMC will be dispatched to Afghanistan today and she needs all the prayers and thoughts imaginable to bring him back safe! he will be over there for 8 months. join.the.circle.

thank.you

on thanksgiving, a theme song...

good find: life as an experiment

a chill in the air

fall is in the air. officially. bundle up.

a lake, dark but still

had a dream that i was touring this new gym with a friend and there was both a pool and a lake to swim in. we wanted to swim in the lake and jumped in bravely even though it was dark and deep, maybe even cold. it was beautiful and the waters were calm. sort of felt a bit swamp-like when you peered into the thick waters but from afar it was the kind of lake that begged to be swam. so inviting. the gym was like a modern cottage with high ceilings, wood beams and lots of windows and light. my dream book falls short once again, what do you think it means?

i'll be seeing you

this is a song that i want played when i die. i know that seems morbid but it seems fitting. you can bet i'll be dropping in for tea when clocks align. is it creepy or beautiful? tell me the truth please.

black swan manifesto

recently i have been coming to terms with the ugly duckling of days past and trying to embrace the black swan within. why beat yourself up trying to please all the ducks? stretch those wings and dare to soar.

in.spire: ignore everybody

a long lost friend sent this, and the words of wisdom in.spire.

Everybody has their own private Mount Everest they were put on this earth to climb. You may never reach the summit; for that you will be forgiven. But if you don’t make at least one serious attempt to get above the snow line, years later you will find yourself lying on your deathbed, and all you will feel is emptiness

Don’t try to stand out from the crowd; avoid crowds altogether.

You have to find your own shtick.

mercury in retrograde

the power was gone for a time this morning, cancelled calls and appointments were the norm, email down for a stretch this week. maybe there is something to this mercury retrograde stuff. any one else notice any hijinks? hmmm... Officially ends oct 14.

a love letter

On our wedding aniversary, to my one and only...

we
there is no better pair of souls in the universe

raspberries + green tomatoes

neighbours have given us these garden delights this week. seems like edible art.in.progress. last night a soulful trumpet could be heard out the window.

sky

stared up at the sky this afternoon, art.in.progress. air planes leaving white lines cris-crossed against perfect blue. black birds flying in a V, so much beauty. i just felt grateful to witness it. an indian summer weekend full of sun and deluxe moments. life is a gift a wise woman told me recently. savouring it.

brush with scmarminess: feist

earlier this week, dN picked up take-out from Fresh on Crawford for me and spied feist on the patio in a hidden corner. good taste on her, fresh is among my faves in T.O. we also think we dined beside a couple of famous types on the Drake patio yesterday but couldn't name them. a blonde actress type with jackie-o shades flipped through a script beside us and this silver-haired gent two tables down had an air about him but applauded dN for helping me. It is TIFF after all. kind of hilarious that we guessed they were famous but couldn't place them. egos in check i suppose. makes them seem like characters in a play.

change gonna come

change.

you can't and you won't

kickin' it old skool.

building from the core

i am working to rebuild my core strength and my balance.

the metaphor is not lost on me.

was hoping to post some gospel music but could only find the lyrics to this sam cooke gem.

the universe speaks

reading the healing code and know that it holds wisdom i need to bring into my life. it is like the universe is speaking to me. re-programming the unproductive self talk and mastering emotions. no mean feat but muchly needed. i met two inspiring souls on this trip and that is more proof that the universe delivers what you need just in time when your soul is ready. gratitude.

hi and low

yesterday was a high, today I am struggling with hopeless blues. doesn't make any sense but if you want to remind me of the light side...coaching welcome. maybe i just need a nap.